I recently had a long awaited appointment with a specialist, and I disappointed by the experience. I had to fight for the answers to my questions, and that’s not easy for me nowadays. I had questions, and she just wanted to just say that my symptoms are all within the normal range, and then leave the room. Normally this would be a big problem for me, because I can’t explain myself clearly enough and quickly enough. I get embarrassed by my fumbling over words and leaving gaps in my side of the conversation, and I’ll let the person leave before I’ve gotten my questions answered. This time I was determined to get answers, and I was determined to not be embarrassed. I lost my place in the conversation at one spot, but I wouldn’t let her leave until I backtracked enough to figure out what I had wanted to say. It’s really hard to be that vulnerable in front of an expert.
I think she thought I was “diagnosis shopping.” I’m annoyed that I had to work so hard to get answers to my questions. I don’t appreciate it when I think people are making assumptions about me. I tell medical professionals now that my goal is to do whatever I can to not cognitively decline any further than I have already. So yes, sometimes I want to talk about how to avoid becoming outside of the normal range. I’m not there to talk an expert into saying that I am outside the normal range.
Argh, and it’s so hard to be well-spoken now. I can bring my husband along to appointments and doctors will take me more seriously, but that’s demoralizing. I am not feeble minded. I can’t let people do things for me that I can still do for myself. I need to practice these skills to keep these skills.
I want people to understand that I haven’t lost my intelligence, I’ve lost my short term memory. I have trouble making decisions now, because I have trouble holding all the alternatives in my head at the same time. I need to do things one at a time instead of multitasking, but I can still do the same things. I’m slower, but I haven’t stopped being able to do things.